It was early. The daylight was barely streaming through the cracks in the bathroom window’s blinds and I was trying my best to be quiet. There I was, for the hundredth time, bent over a pregnancy test like a scholar studying a scientific journal that held all the answers to life’s questions. I was squinting, trying to look for that beautiful second line, as I had done so many times before. Three minutes always seemed like an eternity. I knew in my mind that I was probably testing too early but I just couldn’t help myself.
And then it happened. My heart stopped. “Is that what I think it is?!”, I thought loudly in my head. I feverishly took a million pictures of the faint line so I could post it on the “trying to conceive” forums to get the opinion of the ladies I had looked to for advice over the course of the last 19 months. I used the pregnancy test checker app that skewed the picture to allow one to better see a VVFL (or “very, very faint line”) on a pregnancy test. Yes, I was indeed pregnant but I was in total disbelief and wary of getting my hopes up.
I headed back to bed, hoping I hadn’t made too much noise. I wanted to surprise my husband this time, once I had received confirmation from a doctor’s blood test, of course. I didn’t want there to be any doubt in my mind with this one. Apparently I was as loud as a cat playing with a paper bag because my husband turned to me and said, “Well? Was it positive?”
I contemplated lying so I could plan some elaborate surprise but my huge smile gave me away as I whispered gleefully “I think so”.
My entire life, I was told that if I made one mistake, one forgotten pill, one crazy night, I would end up accidentally pregnant. Well, what everyone fails to mention (or purposely conceals), is that it actually may be very difficult to get pregnant.
My husband and I had just moved into a new home, in a beautiful neighborhood, close to family. We were finally debt free and could go through life without having to live paycheck to paycheck. What an amazing feeling! But there was something missing. I used to say that I would never have kids. I always said I was too selfish and that I wanted to travel, to live! But things quickly changed as I began to play with the idea of starting a family.
I remember nervously bringing it up to my husband as he was always on the same page with me about not wanting kids. I felt the lump in my throat and the tears welling in my eyes as I started the conversation. But to my surprise, after asking me why I changed my mind, he shared that he also wanted to start a family. My unease turned to sheer joy! “We actually get to do this!”, I screamed excitedly in my head.
I fervently researched everything I could find on trying to conceive and I quickly implemented a healthier diet, started taking prenatal vitamins, and stopped drinking alcohol. I was ready!
Just two months into our journey, I fell pregnant. Yippee! Right? Well, unfortunately, no. I knew something wasn’t right from the moment I saw that second line. I had been spotting for 10 days already and I just didn’t feel right. I went ahead and made an appointment with my doctor to get blood work done. I received the results and, due to the fact that I love doing research, I already knew that I was looking at bad news.
The doctor called, “Your HCG levels aren’t doubling so I’d like to schedule another blood test in a couple days”. My heart sank. I knew that meant that something was wrong with the pregnancy. Was it a blighted ovum? A miscarriage? An ectopic pregnancy? I would have to wait and see. The next couple of weeks were some of the hardest I have lived through to date…
My story is a long one, so I’ll be posting it in parts.
Continue my story here:
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