Please Breathe: My Personal Battle With Unexplained Infertility (Part Two)

This is a continuation of my personal story. If you’re looking for the beginning, click here: Please Breathe: My Personal Battle With Unexplained Infertility (Part One)

     On Mother’s Day, I headed to my job as a restaurant manager to start my incredibly stressful, long day. I picked up my favorite coffee drink and parked in the lot adjacent to the expensive furniture store. I wanted to stare at the mountains that reminded me of the Tuscan hillside. I wanted to be in a happy place when I received those test results. I still clung to a small glimmer of hope that everything would be ok. There it was, the e-mail notifying me that I had test results waiting. I fumbled to login to my account – curse these clumsy fingers!

     I stopped breathing for what felt like a lifetime as I stared at my numbers. They had decreased. That was it, game over. I didn’t know what to think; I still didn’t know what exactly I was looking at. What were the next steps? Could the pregnancy be saved?

     These questions would have to go unanswered for now as I was in for quite a long day and there was no calling out of work, especially on this day. The irony of it all is still seared into my mind. It was Mother’s Day and I had to spend all day cheerfully greeting moms and happily wishing them a great day as I was being crushed inside with the knowledge that I would not get to have that joy.

     Halfway through my shift, I started to feel a lot of pain. I excused myself for a few minutes to give the advice nurse a call. I wasn’t able to step away for long enough so I texted my husband to help. He conferenced me into the call once he was able to get the nurse on the line. “You need to head to the nearest emergency room as soon as you can,” the nurse said. I fought to keep myself from bursting into tears. “I can’t go anywhere, I have to finish my shift” I told her. She agreed that I may be ok to finish working as long as it didn’t get worse.

     I stayed until we closed that night and dutifully headed to the ER directly from work. I was finally seen by a male physician’s assistant who, apparently, hadn’t finished his training on bedside manner. “You’re having a miscarriage,” he stated matter-of- factly. “I’m sorry”.

     Much to my relief, someone had called the OBGYN to come speak with me. She was just the person I needed in that moment. She, ever so sweetly, told me that we had a lot of options and that she would like to run more tests. She sent me for an ultrasound and discussed my options with me. She wanted to see me in her office the following day, so we were sent home.

     The next morning was a nightmare and a rollercoaster of emotions. The ultrasound yielded nothing; they couldn’t find the pregnancy. I was definitely pregnant, just not in the right place. I then got to endure a uterine biopsy so the doctor could test for the presence of fetal cells. I nearly passed out from the pain – I couldn’t have loved my husband any more than I did that day as he held my hand tightly and looked into my eyes with a combination of concern and strength. He is my rock.

     We were sent to have lunch while we waited for the results. I still hadn’t come to terms with our fate. Once we were seated back in that exam room, the doctor gave me our options. We could wait and see if my body would terminate or we could receive a shot that would eliminate the pregnancy. “Eliminate the pregnancy” rang in my ears and I felt like I had gone deaf. Since it was deemed ectopic, the doctor strongly suggested that I receive the shot as proceeding without it could be life threatening. I agreed.

     Ten minutes and one shot later, we headed home. It was a silent ride home; no music, no talking, just silence. We walked through the doors of our home that felt more empty now than ever and it hit me; I simply fell apart. I collapsed to the floor and sobbed. No one could have ever prepared me for the loss I felt that day. I lost a piece of me forever.

My story is a long one, so I’ll be posting it in parts.

Continue my story here:

Please Breathe: My Personal Battle With Unexplained Infertility (Part Three)

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