Another Day, Another Loss

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve published a post but it’s been a crazy few months now that my daughter has learned how to walk (and run) around. PHEW! I’m exhausted! Anyway, back in April 2018, my husband and I started on our journey to try to conceive a second child. You may or may not have heard about secondary infertility but it’s a very real thing and I had a feeling that our journey would not be easy, yet again. Well, sadly, I was correct in feeling anxious about the road ahead.

On the second cycle of trying, we were successful and I was pregnant! I was ecstatic but something in the back of my mind was whispering that I just wasn’t that lucky. Maybe it was the fear that I would lose another baby or maybe it was my intuition. Due to my previous history of ectopic pregnancy, we had our first ultrasound at about 5 weeks. There my baby was, snug as a bug, with a beautiful heart beat. I cried tears of joy. This was really happening and we wouldn’t have to struggle through a long road of infertility this time!

Sadly, I was wrong. The day we saw our baby’s heartbeat, I started spotting. I wasn’t worried as I had spotted after an ultrasound before. I e-mailed my doctor to be sure and they reassured me that it was totally normal. Unfortunately, the spotting turned into bleeding. I knew there was nothing I could do, even if I had gone to the ER. They would just bluntly tell me to go home and wait for nature to take it’s course. If I was going to miscarry, there was nothing I could do to stop it.

We tried to put it out of our minds and just continue as planned through our weekend. We had purchased tickets for a food festival and decided to go ahead and enjoy ourselves, if possible. On the way to my in-laws’ house to drop off our daughter, I had a sudden feeling of impending doom come over me.

We arrived and I excused myself to the bathroom. That’s when it happened, I miscarried our baby. Right then and there. I held the tiny embryo in my hands and yelled to my husband to come to the bathroom. I sobbed in his arms for a few moments and I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye. I didn’t want to say goodbye, I had just said hello! We just saw the little heart beating and now my precious little one was gone.

It’s been over a year since I lost our sweet angel and I’m just trying to take it a day at a time. I hug my daughter a little bit harder and for a little while longer every day. I pour my love into her and relish in her sweet hugs and kisses. I stay in these moments for as long as I possibly can.

A few days before Christmas, we finally experienced our miracle – another positive pregnancy test! I held my breath when we saw the heartbeat at about 6 weeks. I knew that things could end at any moment and I didn’t want to get excited. Finally, at our 12 week ultrasound, I could see baby bouncing around, healthy as can be. I let myself sob with relief that baby was still there and thriving.

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We’ve just reached the half-way point and I’m counting down the days to viability. With my previous history of pre-term labor, I’m being extra cautious and doing my absolute best to listen to my body and take care of myself.

We’ve had so much support and love throughout our journey and I’m so grateful for that. We can’t wait to meet our precious little one in a few short months! Wish us luck!

 

 

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